When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
