WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
