I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
