Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
