Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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