Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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