Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You can't motorboat a personality
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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