That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
