we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
