Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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