i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
