can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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