I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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