I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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