how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
