she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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