How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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