Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
