I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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