You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
