i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
did i walk over a car last night?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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