I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
