wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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