My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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