if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
