yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
being pregnant is like rehab
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
