Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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