Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
