Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
