Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
