she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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