those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
