I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
