I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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