i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
