If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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