What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
