The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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