You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
