I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
