I showed him my bush... on skype.
So many bounce houses so little time
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
