Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
