I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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