I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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