I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
