whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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