Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
