Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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