Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
