And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
