I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
