it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
