I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
