i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Life is so much better after having sex.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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