I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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