I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
