I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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