dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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