you mean i was at the winter classic?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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