no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
