I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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