If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
