making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
