My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well I just put wine in my tea
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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