So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
